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.Bloody well let us in.''I don't want anyone except Bridget,' said Tom petulantly.I beamedbeatifically at the others.'Don't be such a prima bloody donna,' said Shazzer.Silence.'Come on, you silly sod.Let us in.'There was a pause, then the buzzer went.'Bzzz.''Are you ready for this?' came his voice as we reached the top floor and heopened the door.All three of us cried out.Tom's whole face was distorted, hideous yellow andblack, and encased in plaster.'Tom, what's happened to you?' I cried, clumsily trying to embrace him andending up kissing his ear.Jude burst into tears and Shazzer kicked the wall.'Don't worry, Tom,' she growled.'We'll find the bastards who did this.''What happened?' I said again, tears beginning to plop down my cheeks.'Er,well.' said Tom, extracting himself awkwardly from my embrace, 'actuallyI, er, I had a nose job.'Turned out Tom had secretly had the operation on Wednesday but was tooembarrassed to tell us because we'd all been so dismissive about his minusculenasal bump.He was supposed to have been looked after by Jerome, henceforth tobe known as Creepy Jerome (it was going to be heartless Jerome but we allagreed that sounded too interesting).When, however, Creepy Jerome saw himafter the operation he was so repulsed he said he was going away for a fewdays, buggered off and hasn't been seen or heard of since.Poor Tom was sodepressed and traumatized and so weird from the anaesthetic that he justunplugged the phone, hid under the blankets and slept.'Was it you I saw in Ladbroke Grove on Thursday night, then?' said Shazzer.It was.Apparently he had waited till dead of night to go out and forage forfood under cover of darkness.In spite of our high spirits that he was aliveTom was still very unhappy about Jerome.'Nobody loves me,' he said.I told him to ring my answerphone, which held twenty-two frantic messages fromhis friends, all distraught because he had disappeared for twenty-four hours,which put paid to all our fears about dying alone and being eaten by anAlsatian.'Or not being found for three months.and bursting all over the carpet,'said Tom.Anyway, we told him, how could one moody geek with a stupid name make him thinknobody loves him?Two Bloody Marys later he was laughing at Jerome's obsessive use of the tern'self-aware,' and his skintight calf-length Calvin Klein underpants.Meanwhile,Simon, Michael, Rebecca, Magda, Jeremy and a boy claiming to be called Elsiehad all rung to see how he was.'I know we're all psychotic, single and completely dysfunctional and it's alldone over the phone,' Tom slurred sentimentally, 'but it's a bit like a family,isn't it?'I knew the Feng Shui would work.Now-its task completed - I am going to quicklymove the round-leaved plant to my Relationship Corner.Wish there was a CookeryCorner too.Only nine days to go.Monday 20 November8st 12 (v.g.), cigarettes 0 (v.bad to smoke when performing culinarymiracles), alcohol units 3, calories 200 (effort of going to supermarket musthave burnt off more calories than purchased, let alone ate).7 p.m.Just returned from hideous middle-class Singleton guilt experience atsupermarket, standing at checkout next to functional adults with childrenbuying beans, fish fingers, alphabetti spaghetti, etc., when had the followingin my trolley:20 heads of garlictin of goose fatbottle of Grand Marnier8 tuna steaks36 oranges4 pints of double cream4 vanilla beans at £1.39 each.Have to start preparations tonight as working tomorrow.8 p.m.Ugh, do not feel like cooking.Especially dealing with grotesque bag ofchicken carcasses: completely disgusting.10 p.m.Have got chicken carcasses in pan now.Trouble is, Marco says amsupposed to tie flavor-enhancing leek and celery together with string but onlystring have got is blue.Oh well, expect it will be OK.11 p.m.God, stock took bloody ages to do but worth it as will end up with over2 gallons, frozen in ice-cube form and only cost £l.70.Mmm, confit of orangeswill be delicious also.Now all have got to do is finely slice thirty-sixoranges and grate zest.Shouldn't take too long.1 a.m.Too tired to stay awake now but stock is supposed to cook for anothertwo hours and oranges need another hour in oven.I know.Will leave the stockon v.low heat overnight, also oranges on lowest oven setting, so will becomev.tender in manner of a stew.Tuesday 21 November8st 11 (nerves eat fat), alcohol units 9 (v.bad indeed), cigarettes 37 (v.v.bad), calories 3479 (and all disgusting).9:30 a.m.Just opened pan.Hoped-for 2-gallon stock taste-explosion has turnedinto burnt chicken carcasses coated in jelly
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