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.«The Ostrich, seeing his approach, thrust her head into the straw, saying:»If I do not conceal myself, he may be reminded to write something disagreeable about my lack of a crest, or my appetite for scrap-iron; and although he is inexpressibly brilliant when he devotes himself to ridicule of folly and greed, his dullness is matchless when he transcends the limits of legitimate comment.«»That,« said the Buzzard to his mate, »is the distinguished author of that glorious fable, ›The Ostrich and the Keg of Raw Nails.‹ I regret to add, that he wrote also, ›The Buzzard's Feast,‹ in which a carrion diet is contumeliously disparaged.A carrion diet is the foundation of sound health.If nothing but corpses were eaten, death would be unknown.«Seeing an attendant approaching, the Illustrious Satirist passed out of the tent and mingled with the crowd.It was afterward discovered that he had crept in under the canvas without paying.A Revivalist RevivedA Revivalist who had fallen dead in the pulpit from too violent religious exercise was astonished to wake up in Hades.He promptly sent for the Adversary of Souls and demanded his freedom, explaining that he was entirely orthodox, and had always led a pious and holy life.»That is all very true,« said the Adversary, »but you taught by example that a verb should not agree with its subject in person and number, whereas the Good Book says that contention is worse than a dinner of herbs.You also tried to release the objective case from its thraldom to the preposition, and it is written that servants should obey their masters.You stay right here.«The DebatersA Hurled-back Allegation which after a brief rest had again started forth upon its mission of mischief met an Inkstand in mid-air.»How did the Honorable Member whom you represent know that I was coming again?« inquired the Hurled-back Allegation.»He did not,« the Inkstand replied; »he isn't at all forehanded at repartee.«»Why, then, do you come, things being even when he had hurled me back?«»He wanted to be a little ahead.«Two of the PiousA Christian and a Heathen in His Blindness were disputing, when the Christian, with that charming consideration which serves to distinguish the truly pious from wolves that perish, exclaimed:»If I could have my way I'd blow up all your gods with dynamite.«»And if I could have mine,« retorted the Heathen in His Blindness, bitterly malevolent but oleaginously suave, »I'd fan all yours out of the universe.«The Desperate ObjectA Dishonest Gain was driving in its luxurious carriage through its private park, when it saw something which frantically and repeatedly ran against a stone wall, endeavoring to butt out its brains.»Hold, hold! thou desperate Object,« cried the Dishonest Gain; »these beautiful private grounds are no place for such work as thine.«»True,« said the Object, pausing; »I have other and better grounds for it.«»Then thou art a happy man,« said the Dishonest Gain, »and thy bleeding head is but mere dissembling.Who art thou, great actor?«»I am known,« said the Object, dashing itself again at the wall, »as the Consciousness of Duty Well Performed.«A Defective PetitionAn Associate Justice of the Supreme Court was sitting by a river when a Traveler approached and said:»I wish to cross.Will it be lawful to use this boat?«»It will,« was the reply; »it is my boat.«The Traveler thanked him, and pushing the boat into the water embarked and rowed away.But the boat sank and he was drowned.»Heartless man!« said an Indignant Spectator.»Why did you not tell him that your boat had a hole in it?«»The matter of the boat's condition,« said the great jurist, »was not brought before me.«The Mourning BrothersObserving that he was about to die, an Old Man called his two Sons to his bedside and expounded the situation.»My children,« said he, »you have not shown me many marks of respect during my life, but you will attest your sorrow for my death.To him who the longer wears a weed upon his hat in memory of me shall go my entire fortune.I have made a will to that effect.«So when the Old Man was dead each of the youths put a weed upon his hat and wore it until he was himself old, when, seeing that neither would give in, they agreed that the younger should leave off his weed and the elder give him half the estate.But when the elder applied for the property he found that there had been an Executor!Thus were hypocrisy and obstinacy fitly punished.A Needless LaborAfter waiting many a weary day to revenge himself upon a Lion for some unconsidered manifestation of contempt, a Skunk finally saw him coming and posting himself in the path ahead uttered the inaudible discord of his race.Observing that the Lion gave no attention to the matter, the Skunk, keeping carefully out of reach, said:»Sir, I beg leave to point out that I have set on foot an implacable odor.«»My dear fellow,« the Lion replied, »you have taken a needless trouble; I already knew that you are not a rose.«A Flourishing Industry»Are the industries of this country in a flourishing condition?« asked a Traveler from a Foreign Land of the first Man he met in America.»Splendid!« said the Man.»I have more orders than I can fill.«»What is your business?« the Traveler from a Foreign Land inquired.The Man replied, »I make boxing-gloves for the tongues of pugilists.«Patriot and BankerA Patriot who had taken office poor and retired rich was introduced at a bank where he desired to open an account
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