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.It does this rather a lot because that six-cylinder, four-litre, supercharged engine is sublime.It may only do 14 mpg but as the rev counter surges round the dial, in an unending quest for the red zone, and the automatic gearbox blurs the changes, I must confess I’d have been happy with 9 mpg, or less.And yes, I do pay for my own petrol.Back in London, I recalled its ability to hurtle through tightening bends with almost no body roll at all, as it slithered down the Earls Court Road, ironing out all the bumps and ridges.Here is a car with leather seats, cruise, control, beautiful black wood trimmings and matching hide upholstery, which when you’re in the mood, can transform itself into a snarling beast with spiky teeth and a penchant for red meat served raw.Only the BMW M5 can perform this amazing feat even half as well, but it costs £52,000 and the Jaguar is only £45,000.Within a month, I’m quite sure, I shall have driven another car, on a better road, in finer weather and with faster music on the CD, but for now, the best car in the world is the Jaguar XJR.Clarkson on CarsStop Thief; Not MeSo, the police are going to stop answering burglar alarms because nine out of ten times, they find, after a tyre-squealing journey, that the damn thing has gone off by accident.That, we hear, is a waste of man hours and thus, a waste of money.So, if economics now determines which crimes are investigated and which are not, then I would hope that we’ll see an end to radar traps.What’s the point of pointing a hairdryer at a stream of motorists all day when nine out of ten are doing nothing wrong?Actually, the point is simple.A constable is an inexpensive commodity whose time is more than paid for by the resultant fines.Motorists are easily caught, and are subjected to ridiculously heavy fines.Simple economics.So, the message here is simple.If you’re going to break the law, make sure you do something that requires an enormous amount of police time.Indiscriminate murder is good, as is fraud, but the best crime of all, these days, is to be a solicitor.First, you can sit around all day, fiddling your time sheets instead of actually helping your clients to buy a house.And then in the evenings, you can dream up slogans for your new adverts on the backs of buses.I saw one the other day and was so shocked, my trousers nearly caught fire.I don’t remember the exact wording (though I suspect the word ‘hereinuntoafter’ had crept in somewhere) but the gist was this: if you’ve been injured anywhere, give us a call and we’ll get you some compensation.What I should have done is run into the back of the bus and sued the idiotic lawyers who put the ad up there, saying that their stupidity made me lose concentration.And I’d have won.There have been more ridiculous cases recently.One man has won £300,000 damages after his car skidded on ice and hit a lorry.It seems he managed to convince a court that this was, in fact, the council’s fault for not putting enough grit on the roads.A traffic warden is currently suing her employers for lung damage caused by being on the street, breathing in exhaust fumes.And best of all, there’s a chap who fell asleep at the wheel and, in the ensuing crash, suffered severe facial injuries.Well, now call me old-fashioned, but I reckon that this is his fault.But no.He’s found someone to sue.The producers of the Radio Four play that moved him to the land of nod perhaps? No.In fact, he’s suing Ford for not fitting an airbag to his Sierra.If he wins, and on current form, he may well do just that, it’ll open the kind of floodgates not seen since Moses finished his river-bed walk.Common sense will take a back seat to the lure of huge, six-figure settlements.It’ll be like a cross between the National Lottery Instants game and Don’t Forget Your Toothbrush.‘Lose a fingernail in your car’s door handle… and go to the Caribbean.’I’ll be in there too.If I am caught in a radar trap, I shall sue Jaguar for selling me a car that was capable of breaking the speed limit.The motor car will become a warning notice on wheels.Do not lean out of the window while the vehicle is in motion.Do not insert a tape in this stereo while driving.Do not speed.Do not attach the battery terminals to your testicles.I have argued for some time that everyone, at the age of sixteen, should be forced to sign a form which says that they are entirely responsible for their own actions.Trip over a paving stone and it’s your own fault.Skid on ice – well, you shouldn’t have been going so fast.Got poisoned while serving as a traffic warden – diddums.But this will never happen
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