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.“A photo 26you took — a picture of the Maine coast — was hanging in her of-27fice.I asked her about it once.She obviously loved it, said that 28she’d always had it with her.”29A smile flickered across Howell’s face.“Thanks for telling me 30that,” he said.“I know she cared.It’s just that —” He didn’t finish 31the sentence.32“I know,” Kate said.“I know.”33For a short time, they walked in silence.34 sh“The thing is,” Kate continued, “even if Michael really loved 35 re9858_02_153-356_r6jm.qxd 9/28/00 3:59 PM Page 3503 5 0A M Y G U T M A N1me, I’m not sure I really loved him.I don’t think I really knew him.2I was so focused on what I hoped he’d give me.On the bus out here 3this morning, I was thinking it through.How after Michael and I 4broke up, I headed straight for Samson & Mills.But it was really all 5the same thing.I was afraid of taking charge of my own experience, 6afraid that I’d mess it up.I wanted guarantees.I thought I could get 7them from being Michael’s wife.Or being a Samson lawyer.It’s like 8I thought I could bypass life.”9“I think you’re being a little hard on yourself,” Howell said.10“There’s nothing wrong with wanting someone to love.Or work 11that you care about.”12“No, of course not.But that’s not exactly what I mean.”13Kate paused for a moment.Absently, she fingered her ruby ring, 14then looked down to adjust it.She sensed Howell watching her.15“My mother gave me this,” she said.“It’s my birthstone.I’m a Can-16cer.Cancer the crab.You know what they say about Cancers? That 17we develop hard shells to protect ourselves.I never really saw that 18in myself before.But actually, I think it’s true.”19Howell touched her shoulder.Without speaking, they turned 20around and began walking back toward town.21Kate continued on a different tack.“I was talking to one of the 22detectives.About how she knew that Carter Mills hadn’t killed 23himself.There was this term she used.Equivocal death.It’s a term 24of art used in homicide investigations.When they can’t tell from 25the crime scene whether a murder occurred.Anyway, when I heard 26those words, it made me think of something you said.You told me 27that there are lots of ways to die.That physical death isn’t the only 28kind.I didn’t understand then what you were getting at.I guess I 29didn’t really want to.But now I see how it applies to me.In the 30ways that are really important, I’ve only been partly alive.”31“Well, there’s plenty of time to change that.Years and years,”32Howell said.They’d turned onto Main Street and were heading 33back toward town.“Any thoughts about what you’ll do now?”ort 34“I’m not sure, really.I’ve got a lot to sort out.I’ve promised to reg 35help Josie with some family problems.Her mother’s a crack addict.9858_02_153-356_r6jm.qxd 9/28/00 3:59 PM Page 351E Q U I V O C A L D E A T H3 5 1That’s why she was having trouble making it to our meetings.1When I found that out.I mean, my God.You realize how little 2you really know about anything.And there I was, assuming she 3just didn’t care.I could kick myself.Anyway, for now, she’s staying 4with a great-aunt.But we have to come up with some long-term 5plan.I told her I’d help with that.She has a brother and sister, and 6she’s desperate to keep the family together.”7“She’s lucky to have you.”8“Not as lucky as I am to have her.She actually saved my life.9How’s that for irony? The fact that I was a jerk to Josie about being 10on time.That’s how she knew that something was wrong.Cathy 11Valencia — the detective — told me that it was Josie who insisted 12she go looking for me.”13“But what about you? Any thoughts on that score?”14Kate felt suddenly self-conscious.“I still have some loose ends to 15tie up,” she said.“There’s this thing that happened at work.Ag-16gravated sexual abuse, that’s what they call it.It’s a felony.I’ve 17talked to the D.A.’s office, but I’m not sure how strong the case is.18I don’t have much evidence.”19Howell stared at her.“You mean, something that happened to 20you?”21Kate cut her eyes away.“Yeah,” she said uncomfortably.22“When?”23“A couple of weeks ago, I guess.” She found the warmth of How-24ell’s voice unsettling; as if it was thawing some part of her that 25she’d just as soon stayed frozen solid.26“I had no idea.” Kate could see the wheels turning in Howell’s 27mind, as he thought back over the time since they’d met.28“Yeah, well., you know I used to look at people who’d had 29bad things happen to them, and find reasons they were to blame.30There was this woman — her name was Linda Morris — she was a 31witness in this sexual harassment case I was working on.She sort 32of slouched around like some sexed-up ghoul in dark nail polish 33and really tight clothes.She worked for this men’s magazine.I al-34 shways had a strong reaction to her, like I just had to get away.I saw 35 re9858_02_153-356_r6jm.qxd 9/28/00 3:59 PM Page 3523 5 2A M Y G U T M A N1her in the gym one day and practically ran out the door.At the 2time, I didn’t know why.But I think I’ve figured it out.It’s like I 3knew that she and I were really in the same position.I might have 4a Harvard degree and work at Samson & Mills, but those things 5couldn’t protect me.I didn’t want to admit that.”6A wind had come up from the water, and Kate pulled her parka 7closer.On Main Street, people were hurrying by, preparing for the 8evening to come.Down the street, Kate caught sight of the Par-9adise.Suddenly, she was very hungry.10“You know what?” Kate said.“I could use some food.”11Howell didn’t answer right away.When she looked up, she saw 12that he was watching her, compassion mingled with sadness.13“What?” she said.“Why are you looking at me like that?”14Howell turned away.For several moments, he gazed into the 15distance, toward the rippling blue of the sea.As if he were looking 16for answers.As if all that had happened might still be redeemed.17Then, turning back to Kate, he smiled.“I just wish you could have 18known her,” he said
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