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.“Gonna have to get you a ring now,” he muttered in my ear.“Gonna have to find you the perfect one.You’ll wear my ring too, Jackie?”“Yeah.I would.I will.”He let go of me and pressed his forehead against mine.“Kinda like a weddin’ present, right? This place?”I laughed.“Yeah, John.I guess it is.I’m glad I waited ’til now.”“Me too.” We watched each other for a time.Then, “Hey, Jackie?”“Yeah?”“This place is gonna be our home one day.That okay?”“Yeah, John.That’s okay.”“And it’ll be just you and me?”I nodded.“You and me.Like we always wanted.”“Good,” he sighed.“You’ll see, Jackie.I’m gonna make this place so good for you.I promise, okay? I’m gonna make this a place you could be proud of.I’m gonna make this place your home.” And then he pulled me to him again and his strong heart beat against my ear.Please beat forever.His Voice“And then you kissed me again,” I tell him now as the sun sets below the mountains, “and then you loved me there in the middle of the clearing in the forest, and that was the first day that we made this place our home.That was the first day this place was ever really ours.And I knew then, John.I knew like I’d never known before that it would be forever.It would be always for us.There’d never been anyone before you.And there would have never been anyone after you.I knew.You were it for me.”There is no response.“John?”My ear is still pressed against his chest.I wait for his heart to beat.I wait for it to beat so strong and so loud.I wait and I begin to clutch at his hospital gown and only then do I notice his arms have slid from their grip around me and lie at his sides and there’s no beat, there’s no beat of his fucking heart and it’s quiet and silent and dark and cold and I told it to beat forever.I told him it would be forever and he promised me, he promised me—“John?” I croak out.“Hey, John? Sweetheart? Answer me.Say something.Oh God, please.Please.”Nothing.I look up at him from where I lie on his chest.His head is resting against the pillow.His face tilts toward me.His mouth is parted slightly.His eyes are closed.He does not speak.He does not breathe.He does not move.“John?” I reach up and touch his face.His skin is still warm and I start to shatter.I pray it’s still possible he’ll open his eyes and smile down at me and say, “Jackie, I love you.You know I do.You know I’ve always loved you and I’m sorry.I’m sorry I have to go now.I’m sorry that you’re still here and I won’t be.But I promise I’ll wait for you.I’ll wait for you so when it’s time, we’ll go together ’cause I can’t imagine taking another step without you.I can’t imagine you not bein’ by my side.It ain’t right, you and me not bein’ together.Nothin’ about that is right, so don’t take long, okay? Don’t take long ’cause I can’t stand being apart.”He’ll say all this because he didn’t even say good-bye to me.He didn’t even… say… ah Jesus.Ah please.Please don’t leave me alone.I’ve been torn in two and my soul is empty and please don’t go.Please.I wait.Nothing.It doesn’t happen.John does not wake up.He’s gone and for the first time in seventy-one years, I’m alone.Things need to be done.Plans need to be set in motion.I know I need to make phone calls, but I can’t seem to find the strength to care.Instead, I curl up against him, laying my head on his silent chest, trying to feel any warmth he has left for the last time.And then I weep for my husband.***It’s full-on dark when I wake, my face feeling stiff and cracked, and I have the desperate thought that since he’s gone, I’m going to forget what he sounds like.I’ll forget the timbre and cadence of his voice.I’ll forget the low rumble that can come from his chest when he calls me Jackie.It’s irrational, this thought, but it’s the only one I can focus on.Now that he’s gone, I won’t remember what he sounds like.I can’t allow that to happen.“Wake up,” I mutter at him, shaking him.His head rolls back and forth.“Wake up, John.I can’t forget.You have to wake up.” It sounds crazy, I know, but I don’t care.Not anymore.I can’t forget and oh my God, is it starting already? Why can’t I pick his voice out in my head? It can’t be happening already.Why can’t I—The video
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